(*I'm serious, this is a rant of sorts. TL;DR may occur.)

But first of all, I got some 'splainin do.
School is going swimmingly; it's much easier to handle (both work-wise, and time-wise). I've made some wise and poor decisions. Edged out of my comfort zone a little. Feelin' good about things in general. But I digress.

This is my time to say some things that have been on my mind.

Last year was a strange experience for me - being thrown into a new environment and all that fun stuff. And at one point, I thought I really liked a person. Now this isn't about him at all, so settle down. Before this, I had led a relatively invisible adolescence. There were chunks of high school that I did really not enjoy. And all the while, I had never felt attracted to anyone. No crushes, dating, etc. So fast forward to freshman year, where there was now a real person I was attracted to. But something was not right.
Rather than feeling excitement, I bordered on panic. I had no idea what I was doing, and ultimately I just ended up embarrassed. So I tried to shake it off, but for months after, the confusion lingered. I found myself asking what I was really attracted to. And there was the problem. I felt no kind of sexual attraction. Thoroughly muddled, I pushed it to the back-burner and finished the school year.
Over the summer, things calmed down a bit. I had time to think about things, but I didn't. It wasn't until my close friend came out that it all started up again. In my small group of friends, there was not much talk of sexuality - when this happened, it was a new path. So I took this as my cue to figure things out as I headed back to school.
I always assumed I was the default. I'm a girl, so I should be attracted to boys. Since high school, though, I always felt that I would be attracted to another girl, if the situation ever arose. But I didn't identify as bisexual. And the more I thought about it, I came to the realization that I didn't feel attracted to both sexes. I didn't feel that I could be intimate with the opposite sex. But I didn't say anything to anyone.
But I began to look around, read the news and the blogs, read up on the rainbow side of things. I attended the campus LGBT reception, went to the gay parties, tested the waters. And it felt amazing.
Everything about it felt natural, felt right. So I began the process of embracing myself.
So if you can see these words, I'd like to let you know: I am a woman who loves women. I'm gay. I'm a lesbian. I'm queer. Whatever term helps you understand it best. I'm still trying to. This is my practice test for coming out - to friends, roommates, family. To the world. To myself.
They say coming out is a lifelong process, and the training wheels will have to come off soon.
Am I afraid? Fuck yes. I'm terrified. I went through life trying to appease everyone because I feared being hated. I now know that it's unavoidable. There are going to be a lot of people who hate me. I'll just have to get used to it.
I have friends and family who love me. Without their support, this would be a bleak, closeted existence. I live in states where I am (mostly) legally equal - which is not the case in many parts of this country, and the rest of the world. There is an accepting community for me. I could have it much worse.
Last night my friend and I went to a small church that held a service for Transgender Remembrance Day. The entire chapel was packed with members of the LGBTQI community and our allies. We listened to speakers offer solace, read poetry, sing, and share their stories. We went outside with candles, walked down the streets of Boston, arrived in a small square. There, we circled around in the frigid air and took turns reading the names of those who were murdered this year for being transgendered. It was painful to hear the names of people who were my age, lived where I live, and were brutally killed for who they were.
I am glad to be alive. And I will do my best to love every goddamn day of my life. I will do my best to speak up for my rights, for the rights of brothers and sisters who cannot speak. Our strength comes from being out and active in the world, I plan to do just that.

Love,
Me